beginning. again.

this is me, sitting with legs crossed, bending over a celtic-cross reading. it's my favorite tarot spread. my legs and my ass are stiff from sitting on the wooden floor for so long. i'm not a seasoned reader, see. in fact, i only read for myself, see. so it takes me awhile to swim through all the symbols to find meaning.

(distracting thoughts as i write: note to self...call landlady to get address for rent check.)

so i stretch my arms and my back up, and i rub my head. i don't understand the universe. i don't really know if i can trust the reading. i think i can, and i want to, but i'm not really sure who or what to trust 100% of the time anymore.

i say anymore, because i used to trust in god as a very defined figure in my life. and i trusted in his prophet(s), and in the things written in his scriptures. and i was very trusting in general.

(looking out the window i think: i'm glad the wind is blowing again, and that the leaves are rustling. the air seems strange when it's too still, like it was this morning. *tinkling of wind chimes* autumn will be here soon.)

but then there was this incident involving painting a peacock on the sidewalk in front of a business on main street, a very pretty person offering me a rich swirl of cold coffee topped with mounds of whipped cream, the afternoon was sweaty-hot, and i thought, "why not?"

it was bloodyfucking good. and i'm still standing. no lightning striking. obviously it's not that simple, but nothing is really simple, is it? only i'm learning to love the differences and the difficulties in everything ever since. granted, life is harder when it's not simple. which seems like a simple enough statement.

but i'm getting off track. celtic-cross. of course it's not this simple, but in essence my reading said i should trust a new path, a new direction. i should be brave and let go of the dreams i had before. they were so safe, though. they would have been secure -- both financially and professionally -- and they were good things to work towards. that's why i'm teetering still, trying to decide...i guess i'm trying to decide how brave i really am. or want to at least try to be?

and yet, is anything ever really safe? in reality (whatever that means) was the security of my first path merely a delusion? i don't know.

and maybe that's the point. if there has to be one.